I’ll be 48 Years Old…. and I Feel Like I Don’t Have a Clue

I have been silent for a long time on this blog.  It’s mostly a time management issue for me, and the fact that I’ve been going through some stuff (who isn’t?).  I feel like I need to share some of that “stuff” because it may help someone else, but just as much because it might help me.

It’s my birthday coming up this Sunday.   I will be 48 years old.

Do you ever hit a point in your life when you feel like, this is NOT where I wanted to be?  I thought I would be so much further ahead than I am? What the hell went so wrong to lead me to this spot?

That’s kind of where I am at right now.  I feel like a don’t have a clue.

I don’t have a clue about what I want to be (when I grow up lol), where I want to spend my time, what I want my 5 year goals to be, where I want to live, what my true talent is, none of it.

I’ve actually been feeling really lost the last several years.  I’d say since 2009 when my son passed away.  It seems like I get going in a direction and then bammm something happens and I feel like I’m starting over again, and over, and over.

Many good things have happened in the last 8 years, but many things have also happened that I wish hadn’t.  I got involved in a relationship that left me with huge financial loss and emotional ruin, I gained probably 100 pounds, I shuffled paths on what I want to do .

I could go on and on about the things that have happened weren’t where I wanted to go, but I don’t want this to be a blog about blaming or whining or anything like that.  All of those things are in my past.

So many good things have also happened:

  • I have strengthened my relationships with my daughter and my other kids.
  • I have the most precious grandson in the world who is my light and my heart.
  • I’ve lost 155 pounds, and I am in way better health now than I have been in all of my adult life.
  • My family and I have always been (and even more so now) a close group and who I rely on as one of my main safe places to fall (as they say).
  • I have great relationship with my true friends and people who I feel are meant to be with me along this journey.
  • I have a new startup company with a life long friend that was created to be of service to others.

The moments that I have to look back on with love and fondness by far out weigh the bad stuff, and they leave me with a grateful heart…

So why am I feeling like this?

 

Well, as I said before, I feel like I’m in this starting over loop, and right now I feel like I am smack dab in the middle of it again.  Maybe part of it is a reflection on my birthday coming, but a lot of it I think is coming from my need to continue growing.

Maybe all of the “stuff” and what feels like a starting over loop isn’t really anything bad at all, but all about teaching me to expand.

So many people say the “stuff” isn’t failure as much as it is feedback.

Does anyone else ever feel l this way?  I’m certain that I CAN’T be the only one!

The point for me is I am to a place that I am saying “Okay you’re 48 years old, and you don’t have a clue!!!” 

I don’t have all the answers….. and that’s okay.  I’m not suppose to have all the answers.  Lately, I have really been going inward, and am feeling like it’s a discovery.

Two things and people that I have really been focusing on lately to help me get to the realization that I am okay and that I am where I need to be (even after and during all of this loopy business) are Mary Morrissey, and Kyle Cease.

Mary has a program called My Morning Mentor, I have been doing this daily for a several months.  I like that it is just a quick few minutes of my morning but that I get on a direction for my day right from the start.

Kyle Cease is someone that I have only very recently started following.  I actually picked up his program, The Limitation Game: Interactive (only 20 bucks) and am really starting to see the value in it.

I watched Kyle when he was a comedian because I’ve always said if I am going to spend time watching TV, it has to be something that makes me laugh.  When I see him putting this information out, I took a look, and it’s awesome.

So anyway, I guess my point is, I don’t have it all together.  I don’t have all the answers.  This blog is a reflection of that and a bit of journaling my thoughts and experiences out loud.

 

 

Talk soon,

Heather

 

 

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