It was 2 years ago today that I started on a journey to lose a few pounds. Over the last 2 years, it has really turned into a lot more than that for me, here is a few snaps I took along the way…
When I talk about a journey to becoming my better half, that is exactly what I am talking about. Losing half of my body weight is a huge accomplishment, and something that I never actually thought I would be able to achieve. It is also about nurturing myself into become the person that I need to be to maintain that healthiness.
For so many years I used food to push down my emotions and not deal with them.
A 2 part story tells you more about my journey you can click:
- Learning that my health and taking care of me HAS to stay first and most important!
- Learning to decide what I like and what I want to do.
- Learning what I don’t like, and what I will not allow in my world.
- Learning that saying No is, in fact, okay. No! It is a complete sentence, that does NOT require any further follow-up of further explanation.
- Deciding what is really important to me, and what I WILL NOT change.
- Deciding where I want to go from here and what I DO need to do and change to get there.
Basically what I have learned in all of this is that joy and happiness are the most important thing. So now I’m working to include way more of the things that make me joyful and happy, and way less of the things that don’t.
All that said, sometimes you really do just have to do what needs to be done anyway. Sometimes doing what needs to be done is scary, or frustrating, or really just feels like a huge waste of time. Sometimes the joy, happiness and gratefulness isn’t found in the beginning of it, instead it’s hidden along the way.
Yesterday, as I was trying all day to write this post and think of something amazing and wonderfully inspiring to share I was having a really frustrating day, and I was finding it very difficult to write anything at all.
Without going in to a lot of details, something that I have been told will happen for over 2 months now, didn’t happen … yet again. I had been told that this time was a definite go and to get prepared, which I spent 2 days doing just that. I got the word around lunchtime that it was decided they would use someone else and wouldn’t be needing me after all.
I was very angered and disappointed and feeling like why in the hell am I putting myself through this B.S. again!! I do not need this kind of B.S., and I just need to throw in the towel and move on. Do you know that song? I try not to sing it very often. It goes something like poor me, I’m so hard done by, poor me nothing ever goes my way poor me yadda yadda yadda…
So with my mood and vibration in the dumpster, by the end of the afternoon toward supper time I was feeling completely deflated. I actually had to go outside by myself for a few minutes to let some tears escape me, where my family and my littles wouldn’t see me.
We had a nice healthy dinner that my mother prepared for us (thanks mom it was delicious) and then took the Littles and Miss Molly out into the backyard for some playtime before baths and bed. The kids had a wonderful time and were playing, laughing and giggling, but I felt like my heart just wasn’t in it.
Do you know how when one thing goes wrong more bad things start to happen? For me, this always happens when I focus on that negative thing or feeling of lack or disappointment, or frustration.
Well that’s what happened last night! Things went from bad to even worse (in my mind), To the point that I actually had a full-out 2 year old tantrum!!! That’s not good!! I’m not a 2 year old, I am a 47 year old women that is suppose to have her sh*t together and be writing something wonderfully inspiring for my 2 year anniversary!
I cleaned up from the remnants of my hissy fit and went outside to let some more tears escape, except this time my grandson came with me.
Anyone who knows me, knows my grandson is my world. While I was deep in my own thoughts, he was standing up on a chair to give me a hug (something he does all the time), except this time he jumped into my arms (the other thing that he does all the time with complete trust). I wasn’t prepared, and I let him fall!
My heart broke!
I scooped him up, his face was so sad and he was crying and scared, he trusts me with his entire being, and I let him fall! I cuddled him, and loved him and reassured him and made sure he was alright. Oh my God I love that little boy!
Then later when I came inside, my daughter took my hand and said, “Are you okay mama? What can I do?” And I started to let the tears escape in front of her. She stood up and gave me a big hug.
At that point, I looked around me…
My Littles were doing exactly what Gramma had asked them to do. One was sharing one of his prize possessions with another just to make him feel better so he could go to sleep. <3
My grandson was sitting on the couch being super cute, watching me with love in his eyes and his thumb in his mouth.
I looked around at my house and it was spotlessly clean because my beautiful daughter had spent the entire day cleaning.
My tummy was full from a wonderfully low carb delicious meal that my sweet mother had prepared.
My baby got up on all fours and started scooting for us, which we have been waiting for for weeks.
My daughter put the baby to bed so I could work on writing this post.
As my house was quiet last night I started to reflect and be grateful for all of these wonderful things and for my amazing family.
And then I started thinking….
I am still on my journey to becoming my better half, and maybe that is exactly it. The person that I want to be is always growing and changing, learning and loving. And that is as it should be The journey won’t end because the joy and the gratitude is found along the way.
So at suppertime I was feeling completely deflated and ready to give up, by bedtime I was feeling a heart FULL of gratitude for all of the awesomeness that is my current life. I am also feeling eager anticipation for the dreams and goals that I have not yet realized, but are just waiting to come in. I know that my life will be in a constant state of change and growth.
I am so very grateful that I was able to so far lose 156 pounds and that I am just 12 pounds away from weighing exactly half of what I was when I started.
I will lose the last little bit of weight, and I will continue to get myself to being the happiest and healthiest version of me that I can possibly be…. and I will continue to enjoy that journey.
As far as the rest of my journey of becoming my better half, the point is to realize that I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. The point is to embrace my imperfections and to celebrate my victories. A friend of mine is always telling me that perfect means done, finished, complete. And I am no where close to being done or finished, not by a long shot. I’m just getting started!
I am not perfect! But I am trying.
I do have frustrations and disappointments … daily! I do have failures, and cheats, and days where I just don’t want to, and days where I feel like there aren’t enough hours to get it all done … almost daily.
But, I also do have and intend to have more of (find/make/dream of) victories small and large, daily successes, a family that loves me, a grateful heart, new experiences, wonderful strides forward and unspeakable joy and happiness.
Yup, I will have the occasional 2 year old tantrum along the way, and that’s okay, isn’t it?
So my big inspiration (more to myself) is simply this:
Go easy on yourself, you will get there, you ARE getting there! There will be good days and bad days, victories and failures but that is all part of the journey. Embrace it! Love the you that you are today, and get excited about the you that you are becoming. It will all come in the exact amount of time that you allow it to get here!
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